i'm paralyzed
by justagirlwithwordyideas
Summary: It's paralyzing. The sadness is paralyzing. The hope. The feelings. The not being *seen*. But maybe all of that can change. aka the dark side I think Nico has. (tw)


**A/N: i've never seen the comics, only the show, so sorry if anything is wrong!(tw: depressed thoughts, self harm)**

* * *

Amy was all of Nico's self control. Because Nico could be bold as hell, brash as hell, and stubborn as hell. Of course there were things Amy couldn't stop, but she stopped a lot, and now that she was gone Nico was floundering. Drowning. Suffocating. She needed her sister, but she was dead. She needed her parents, but they were closed off. She needed her friends, but they weren't a group any more. So she started doing stupid things. Some of them that she regretted almost instantly. She went goth, not too bad, she actually kind of liked it. She started practicing Wicca, also not bad. But she also crashed her car, burnt a sketchbook that she had been filling for years, and got in a fight so big with her parents they almost kicked her out.

(stupid things don't hurt so much when it feels like there's nothing good left)

(it hurts to have nothing though, to feel like everything is rotten)

The first time she did it, it was by accident. She was looking for a screwdriver to undo the wiztech in her room when the razor blade slid across her finger tip. She couldn't stop after that. She felt so wrong, it was almost the two wrongs could make a right. But they didn't and she was just falling apart. Her hips and ankles filled with scars barely different than her skin tone, and no one noticed. No one noticed she was dying and it killed her even more.

(she knows it's stupid, and she hates herself more for it, but there's something addicting about a second where your skin doesn't burn anymore)

(her mind was so royally fucked up she was in physical pain)

Alex inviting them over hurt, it made her think of Amy. She would have gone home and reopened her fresh scars if he hadn't sent the picture. The picture made Karolina text her and say they were going over there, so Nico went.

(they weren't there for her when she needed them, but here they were begging to be a group again)

She had been thinking about Karolina since they were crying in the bathroom together - seperately, in the same place- which was stupid. Nothing would come of it she knew but Karolina was intoxicating. Even one encounter and Nico felt out of control. It was paralyzing. Half a glance in her direction form the blonde made her heart stammer.

(its funny how something like seeing someone while you're having a breakdown makes you feel closer to them)

She knew she was bi in freshman year when she almost hooked up with a skater girl behind the gym. Then the girl's boyfriend called, and like she realized what happened she said they should never talk about this again. So Nico never breathed a word of it, but she knew, and seeing Karolina was like a wave of feelings for the Straight Church Girl. Amy would know what to do, but she wasn't here so Nico force herself to forget.

(what does it matter anymore, nothing good ever happens anyway)

Alex said she had wide hips when they pretended to do it. She knew he probably meant it a good way but it stung so she forced herself away from food. The whole time she straddled Alex she thought about what it would be like to have Karolina beneath her like that. Which lead to some dreams she wishes she could forget.

(weak, she calls herself when her head becomes foggy and she can't see straight anymore)

After that, Karolina became friendly. She started inviting Nico out or over, the two of them and they were...bonding? It felt like a tease, like Karolina could see right through her and was playing with her. But all it took was one off hand comment from Karolina for her to start eating again (are you okay? You look really thin). It made her feel a number of things. 1) relieved, food no longer repulsed her and she no longer felt like she was going to drop. 2) fake, she felt like a liar to be able eat so easily again after one simple comments he tore her skin for it. But it also made her feel hopeful. Karolina had noticed her, had been looking at her. It made her skin burn.

(after everything went to shit she stopped believing in hope)

(but maybe she needs some hope in her life)

The night of the dance, Nico realized something needed to happen or she would snap. Karolina kept looking at her, brushing their arms, asking sincere questions. Nico was falling apart over it. Every look made her skin tingle, every touch made her core tighten, and every word made her heart scream. It was paralyzing. She thought something was going to happen but then Gert and Molly got there.

(it's disappointing when something you wanted to happen doesn't happen)

(Nico doesn't know why she is still hurt by the feeling)

When they finally kissed, it blew her away. Her knees buckled and her cheeks flushed and it was perfect. Nico had no words, but when Karolina looked down at her with those big hopeful eyes, she kissed her again. Maybe things would start to be okay. She didn't know, but it that moment, getting better didn't seem impossible. She understood Karolina would do anything to help her and Nico decided, after so many years, maybe she wanted to feel alive again. To not want to die anymore. To become unparalyzed in her sadness, her darkness.

Maybe she realized that she could have happiness as she held Karolina's face in her hands.

Maybe in that second of bliss she realized there was more.

(getting better hurt, she had to reopen her mental wounds, pour out her soul, talk about her feelings)

(and it wasn't easy, it's hard when the love of her life was missing, and so was Chase and Alex was being weird)

(after almost forever, her therapist [Karolina made her see a therapist, which she now is thankful for] says she's healed, that the hardest part is over)

(it feels true enough to Nico, she's never been happier than she was right then)


End file.
